by Tone E. Marine E.,

Associated Press

  Dude, you gotta pick up chicks, because they're like, the best. It's like when I'm pounding on some chick and she's going Ah, ah, ah, ah, and my biceps are like Uh, uh, uh, uh, and then she starts going Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, and then I start thinkin to myself . . . . . DAMN!

Theres different techniques for getting it. Dude it's like this ..... OK, like, lets say you are Tim Mitchell, like damn you don't even have to try cause like chicks are just like Oh man. Like, chicks just wanna jump on Tim. No way Tim dude - UNFAIR!

Anyway, like the first thing you gotta do is learn to shout at chicks so they can see you wearing your headband and shades. But dude, most important - don't shout at a group of shitty chicks cause you'll never get rid of them and then its like DAMN! Also be careful of the chicks in the 2nd and 5th period Geometry classes cause like a lot of 'em are only 14 and then after you do it it's like damn, don't tell anyone, and then you gotta give 'em an A or a B cause like once . . . . . . anyway take my word for it.

Now that the chicks are into your headband, it's time to divide and conquer cause how yah gonna get it with all her friends around. Dude, get her in your car. Here is a line I use "I need some smokes, lets cruise to 7-11". Or if they already have smokes, don't give up. Say " I got a big bag of dope at Robby's apartment, lets cruise."

O.K., like, you're already 99% of the way there buddy OOOOOOWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Now set the mood with some jams. Dude, Metallica instantly makes chicks cream. Like once I was cranking Metallica with this chicks and she started to XXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXX* dude, I couldn't walk for three days!

Now that she's in your car and your blasting some metal, it's time to party YOOOOOO OOOOOHOOOOOOO OOOOWAAA AAAAAAAAAA! Dude, always keep a 12 pack and dope behind the seat, but dude, remember, like, let's be safe. If you have a suspended license, dope mix dope and beer while driving. Choose only one.

Now there is no way she can say no. To speed up the process so you can get home earlier to see the Bulls/Knicks game try giving her some compliments like - "Damn, your hooters are bigger than my girlfriend's" Or, "I'm in love with your ass cause it's so YAAAH AAAAH AHHHHHH YOO!" Dude, I gotta stop. I can't give away all my lines. NO WAY!

Headband, shades, car, Metallica, booze, dope, compliments, what chick can say no? No doubt you'll be getting some soon. Hey! Robby's here, I gotta cruise. And remember, there is nothing better than getting it . . . . . except for maybe a big bag of dope and a clean driving record.

*cencorsed by the CRW - the Covie Right Wing